*edited*

guess what, it's already been 3 weeks. or maybe i should say 4 weeks, to be exact. & what you have promised is still not yet fulfilled. it just made me get more and more disappointed in you. the trust that i have entrusted in you over these few years is declining. i won't ask you for what you promised. it just doesnt seem right. keeping my hopes high is tiring. no hope means no disappontment right? then maybe i should not have any hopes at all. what has happened, has happened. we can't pretend nothing has happened.

but sometimes, i do wish that one day, when i wake up, i would forget everything, so that i wont feel those pain anymore. everyday, i tell myself to stop thinking about this whole issue, but everyday, at the end of the day, i just realize that i still did not make it.

don't worry. i wont cry. 'Because it is useless. your tears do not wash away your sorrows. They feed someone else's joy. And that is why you must learn to swallow your own tears.' this is said in Joy Luck Club. & i agree to it absoultely. i shall learn to swallow my tears. i won't let them fall anymore. at least not for this whole issue. my mind is tellin me this. but i dont know about my heart.

i once say, i will be strong. let me tell you the truth. the truth is,
 i am not stong at all. neither am i as naive as you think i am.
i just dont show people the weak side of me.

thinking back those moments we've spent over the years. the times when you were there when i was down, when i was happy. the promises that we made. & how many of these promises were actually fulfilled? i guess not much. i bet you have even forgotten what promises that you have given me in the past, & yet did not happen. maybe, in your opinion, promises are meant to be broken.

& think back even more. what were the times when i really needed you, but you were not there?
how many times in my life were you there when i was sick & et you are not by my side?
how many times in my life, i was praying & praying that you are with me but you just aren't?

& now i start to wonder.
whe the hell in the first place did i do so many things for you?
why the hell in the first place did i even had the thoughts that you will rememeber me?
why the hell in the first place did i rack this dumb brain of mine to think of ideas
so that i could do things to make you feel touched.

when all of these are just going to be washed down the drain.
you won't appreciate it.
you won't remember me.
& you will never be touched.

we will meet. definitely.
but beneath everything,
it is:
goodbye & take care.

this whole issue is like fireworks.
it ends at the climax.

[ don't ask me who am i referring to. it won't be answered. it's just my ramblings. & please don't read too much into it & start making wild guesses. i will be fine after rambling. :) ]